Bermania's first line of defense is the Society of Secret Cartographers. After all, you cannot attack a country if you don't know where it is. Sneaking into the offices of cartographic institutions (map makers) the world over, the brave members of the Bermanian Society of Secret Cartographers bribe night watchmen with Bermanian wine in order to gain access to maps before their publication, erasing dear little Bermania before anyone can notice.

But the Society of Secret Cartographers not only erases maps. Its members love drawing them too. With an arsenal of India ink, invisible inks, and at times, even pencils, sometimes they create maps for strategic purposes. (We invented Belgium.) Other times they create maps for the pure joy of proving that they remember how. The two maps on this page are a case of the latter.

Many Bermanians-in-exile hold foreign noble or royal titles, granted by His Majesty in his capacity as Orbis Terrae Nostri Imperator. As you know, this, the Bermanian king's most exalted title, derives not directly from his status as King of Bermania, but rather as a result of the 1544 accord between the Holy Roman and Ottoman Emperors. Other international agreements, often fortuitously stumbled into, have bolstered our kings' claims to this title over the centuries.

The first map below indicates over which lands the title Orbis Terrae Nostri Imperator extends. The different colors indicate which treaty or agreement extended the title over that territory. They are, in chronological order:

Spiced Beer Summit Holy Roman Empire & Ottoman Empire 1544
General Tsao Treaty Empire of China & Kingdom of Bermania 1566
Excalibur Acclamation British Empire 1773
Alexander III Pronouncement Russian Empire 1886


Needless to say, if the Kingdom of Bermania had not been perceived as being small and innocuous, its king would never have been given so lofty a title by so many world leaders.


The natural question of course is, if the world is yours to give away piecemeal, to whom do you give it? As you can see on the second map answering this question, His Majesty is in no great rush to bestow all those crowns and coronets. After all, you don't want to give a kingdom to just anybody. It is better to let nations limp along as republics than to give them to monarchs unsuited to the tasks.

If all this is so secret, why are you here reading it? Most of you are here at the personal invitation of His Majesty, King Alanus I of Bermania, who has deemed you to be trustworthy enough to reveal this sensitive information to you. If you have discovered the "key" to this secret page on your own, we know that you are a truly superior individual. Just consider it an invitation of a less personal nature. We know you're good people. (You have a dog, don't you?) So after all this, where do you find the map of Bermania? Well, that would be telling. There are limits you know.


The Bermanian Society of
Secret Cartographers endorses
Taetz ® brand compasses, because
"He who has a Taetz . . ."



Return to

Home Button

2000 - 2006 A. G. Berman